Review of Danielle’s Work

I know what you were trying to say in the first sentence, but the way it is written makes it sound as though The Wizard of Oz is a drawing. What you meant to say was “is known as a feminist classic, drawing from…” The use of a comma here makes your reader understand that the movie is not a literal drawing. I like your introductory paragraph because the topic is very interesting, It sounds as though you are going to make the argument that in children’s movies misogynist themes are quite prevalent.

After reading the first paragraph I can tell that you will have a “medium” style of writing, rather than a low or high style. I can tell that you will use descriptive words to declare your point, but you will not exaggerate or go over the top. Also, on the other hand you are not writing straight facts and information without the use of adjectives / adverbs. I like how you found a middle ground here because I enjoy reading writing that pertains to the “middle” style we talked about in class.

You say that there are misogynist themes in children’s books / movies, but in the second paragraph you combat your thesis. You say that “all (women) are strong, smart and have great leadership qualities” – something that shows women are empowered rather than being disrespected. This makes your argument less credible because you are contradicting yourself. I see the comparison you are making between the new and old movie. But it is quite a jump to say that these misogynistic traits are extremely common in children’s movies when the original form of the movie sounds / seems like quite the opposite.

In your 3rd paragraph, which is quite short, you have four quotations nearly back to back. I am personally worried about this in my writing because I feel as though it takes away from one’s voice. Using too many quotations repeatedly takes the reader away from the writer’s voice and delves them into the quotation’s voice. I feel as though your voice is disappearing slightly in this paragraph because you are using so many ideas that are not completely your own. The canons of rhetoric are of use here, especially the canon of style. Style is the way in which you write or explain something in your writing. Your style is very academic, do not get me wrong, but I feel as though your style / voice is almost not your own in this paragraph especially.

Another two canons of rhetoric that this paragraph pertains to is arrangement and delivery. The quotes you have are good, but I believe it would be better to arrange them in a way that makes them less “cloudy” or less grouped together. The structure of your text is good, but within the paragraphs the structure could be improved to get your own voice across even more. Delivery “refers to the management of voice.” Cicero claims that delivery “has the sole and supreme power in oratory (and also written work)”. Your delivery is good, because you offer good ideas and structure, however the manner in which you are voicing your opinions makes your delivery almost too structured.

On the top of page 4 you create strong sense of ethos (credibility) by providing facts of both women and men and then comparing them to each other. Although I was not struck emotionally while reading this text, I am sure that if I was a feminist or maybe even just simply a woman I would feel some sort of emotional connection whether it be anger, shock, or joy. Therefore, I think that pathos is evident in your paper even though it did not necessarily have an effect on me. Logos is evident in your writing too because you clearly use logic to explain your reasoning. An example of using logic here is with facts and stating your basic argument while backing it up.

I did not know about the undertones in children’s writings / movies so this paper was quite interesting to me. I have never seen the new Wizard of Oz but after reading this paper I would like to go watch it and see if I can find these misogynist themes.


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