I wish you did not say you didn’t like this piece. It makes me not want to read it! Just because you are relaying information does not mean you cant create a piece from your own mind!
I agree with you that social media makes people self-concious and competitive in the social world with others. I do not have a Facebook, but I used to. I also now have a LinkedIn, which is the “professional form of Facebook,” or so they say. I can tell after reading just the first few paragraphs that your prose style is medium – high, especially because you are talking about social media in which near everything is exaggerated- There are even filters for your pictures now, making everything that much more “fake.”
The fact that you are doing a study makes your writing more credible because it adds a “scientific” aspect to it. The fact that you went, interviewed, and recorded primary sources makes your information much more credible because it is actual personal accounts of how people feel towards social media. I do not think that race would matter much when dealing with social media, because when developing an online presence everyone is relatively on the same page. You use personal, first person stories too. This makes your study more credible because it is almost as if you also interviewed yourself. The style of writing / prose you are using is “medium” due to the fact that you are using adjectives and adverbs and other descriptive language.
Additionally, your voice comes across well in this writing even though it is very scientific / academic. It is important that you remained neutral during your interviews because the last thing you want form responses are bias. “Having large breasts, a large butt” is socially acceptable and attractive to a guy – I do not agree with this. One of the reasons why I deleted my social media account is because people make judgements of others, even before they actually get to know them / meet them in person. I find every girl attractive in her own way, not necessarily physically. Therefore, I think that social media skews the perceptions people have of others even before meeting them. I agree with you that social media websites, especially those that use pictures, portray the wrong image / model of how a girl should act and look like. (photoshop example)
Your 4th paragraph is extremely long, maybe try cutting it down to create better structure in your essay. It is almost drawn out to the point that upon looking at it the reader feels as if they don’t want to read it in fear of repetition / getting bored. Start a new paragraph at “Through this I was able to analyze…” I feel as though it will give more structure to your writing and space out your ideas a bit more. This is a relatively long piece of writing and since it is scientific / academic style writing it should be concise and to the point, with less run-on paragraphs.
Your writing is credible because you use primary sources and logical reasoning. I like how you interviewed two different sexes because it shows you how each gender feels towards social media. However, I agree with you in your last paragraph that survey campus-wide would be very effective. There is a website called survey monkey that allows you to do this very easily and you can focus in on SU. Maybe for your final you should consider using survey monkey for more information / responses. Although I found glimpses of your voice in this writing I would like to see more of your voice. Perhaps you could do a sort of self-interview in which you can answer the questions you proposed to the other students. You are looking for “in depth answers,” however the most in depth answer you will find is a personal reflection on the topic. Maybe add a paragraph in which you answer each question and then take it a step further – do you think that this trend will continue, change, or completely end?
Since this is a study-type (academic) piece of writing, the more information in a concise structure is very important.
Overall, your prose is good for the style of writing you are going for and you use credible as well as logical information.